Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Parenting

Sorry it's taken me so long to post. I'm having computer issues. I managed to get it powered-on for now, so here goes...

Reminder: I am an American woman. My husband was born in Yemen, but spent time growing up in the West.

One of the few areas where our cultures and upbringing clash deals with parenting. Specifically parenting our teenage daughter. If you cringe at the thought of raising teeange girls, you are not alone.

My husband grew up in a country where girls are subordinate, domesticated, often uneducated and/or illiterate. Girls in his village speak when spoken to. A girl in the Yemeni village has a 99% chance of growing up to become someone's wife to bear his children. Of all of my husband's dozens of nieces in Yemen, I don't know of any who have become anything else. Worse off, none of the girls have any aspirations to be anything else than a wife and mother.

A girl in the village might go to school until her pre-teen years. Then, as has been reported widely in international media, she will be married off, often to a much older man. She'll have a lovely wedding, with gunfire salutes, henna, musicians, dancing, makeup, gold jewelry and cash gifts. But then, after her big day, she'll be a wife like all the others. Live with the mother-in-law, help cook for all the members of the new family. Visit her own family rarely if ever. Bear children and if they are girls, raise them to eventually be just like her.

My husband spent a lot of time growing up in the West. When we had our first daughter, he only wanted the best for her. Not just brand-name clothes and shoes as many parents do. But he was so proud of her achievements in school, her trophies, her awards, her promotion to the gifted program. He wanted our daughter to be the first girl descended from his village to go to college and succeed on her own.

However, our daughter had inclinations of her own. She wanted to do well when she was in elementary school. When she hit middle school, she slacked off, as many students do. She got overwhelmed with the work and found it easier to just not do it. It made us crazy, but moreso my husband. Our daughter had the opportunity so many girls in Yemen didn't, and she was squandering it away????

What made it worse, was that our daughter just wanted to be a typical American teenager. She wanted to dress how other girls dressed. Listen to the music everyone else listened to. Blog about things teenagers blog about.

To me, it hasn't been a big deal. She's a kid, let her be a kid. I grew up in a similar fashion and I'm grateful my parents didn't force me to do anything or behave in a certain way.

To my husband, it's a daily battle. He frowns on her wearing tight jeans. On her wearing makeup and hoop earrings. On her having a Facebook. On her having male friends. On her cursing in e-mails and text messages. On her talking on her phone, late at night, giggling like crazy.

It puts me in the middle. Me, the American woman, married to a Yemeni. I love and support my husband. But I love and support my kids too. I tell him, "Look, you gotta let her be her own person. If you force her to act a certain way, dress a certain way, etc, it will backfire and we will never have her trust and sincerity"

To which he'll answer to me, "What, so we let her do whatever she wants? She looks like a streetwalker in those clothes. You want guys on the street looking at her curves like that? If we let her do what she wants, she'll come home pregnant one day. Pregnant and/or drugged up"

And then I'll retort that we have to trust her, have faith in her. I show him examples of me, my sisters and brothers. We had little interference from our parents and we all turned out to be educated, successful and decent people with solid lives. He brushes this off and reminds me that "it isn't the same for Yemeni girls"

A big part of his problem is that he worries what other Yemenis will think. How would it make him look to others if they knew his daughter hung out with guys in the cafeteria? What would his cousins think if they stumbled upon her Facebook page, with all her dolled-up wall photos? What would people say if they knew she was friends with Blacks and Hispanics? (Oh traditional Yemenis can be a racist bunch. But the same can be said of many cultures. It's an ugly but universal reality)

I often counter and tell him he shouldn't care what people half-way around the world, living in mud-brick huts think. But, for me to say that debases his family and he resents statements like that. In other words, they are family and I should care what they think.

And the cycle continues. Sometimes daily. I try to be the diplomat at each encounter. I advise him to not be so harsh. I tell her to understand where he came from and to not resent what he says. I had to remind her once, that Yemenis see females as beings to be protected, honored and respected. A girl that has lost her respect or honor can never get it back. I told her that when Baba says you're wearing too much makeup, it's because he doesn't want other people to see you as an object on a store shelf.

One of the main reasons I set up this blog, and the Twitter it stemmed from, was that I hoped to see if other people are dealing with what we are. I cannot be the only Western woman who married a Yemeni (and that uses a computer)

4 comments:

  1. Hello,
    Your blog is very infromative. You said some people from Yemen are racist. Please explain.

    My friend just married a guy from Yemen , and if he's going to be racist towards me I'd like to be prepared ahead of time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes its true but dont let that get to you. There is racism all over the world (india, brazil, china, just to name a few) they are still ignorant. I lived in Yemen for two years ppl didnt agree with the fact my husband married a black woman such as my self but my husband ignored them all. The men dont necessarily adore white women for that matter either. I know majority of the wives that are white like lamp and long hair and the men still cheat, mistreat and then divorce them. The ppl are also anti-West. They speak so ill of USA and Europe but they are eager to come here.

      Delete
  2. Hello
    Assalam Alakum,
    I am a 20 year old (female) yemeni going to college in new york and so did my other sisters. I want to tell you that it is rare to find a yemeni girl in college here in new york. Personally, my parents were born back home,but they never pressured us into wearing anything. They didn't even want me and my sisters to wear the hijab but we insisted. My older sister wears hijab but with skinny jeans,me and my other sister wear correct hijab (skirts,loose pants with long shirts).I want to tell you that one day she will look into her religion and inshallah she will try to practice it.
    Another think I know its a little off topic but maybe your daughter should get engaged or just talk to her about marriage.I mean I got engaged last year and Im really happy, you never know maybe she wants a mate.
    IDk my sister hope this helped you,but the most important thing is that your daughter fears God. I mean anybody can wear a scarf and a abaya and still do haram.
    To tell you the truth maybe you should invite some of your female muslim sisters to your household and tell them to bring there daughters along,trust me friends influence each other more than parents can.

    ReplyDelete
  3. One thing you have to accept is that you are not raising Yemeni children. For example, in Yemen, the boys and girls go to school separate from elementary. The girls take on great responsibilities in the home from young ages while many American girls just dream of college or being on their own. You and your husband have to find a common ground. My husband said that he would let our daughter marry before she 14. I THINK NOT. I spoke some sense into his head. I agree you cannot force children to follow the Islamic guidelines bc children will only resent.

    ReplyDelete