To be (considerate) or not to be (inconsiderate)

My husband is a loving father and a wonderful husband. But many times, he comes across as inconsiderate. Here are some examples:

A few days ago, I was out running errands. When I came home, I discovered my husband had left the house. No note, nothing. I asked our older daughter, "Where's Baba?" She said, "I don't know, did he leave?" GRRR So he left the house without telling anyone what he was up to.

I sent him a text asking him where he was. He replied, "I went to visit so-and-so" I asked, "Didn't you think you could tell anyone?" Him: "Why??" GRRR

He had done this earlier in the year. He would take our youngest daughter out for a walk, and not tell anyone. Well, we soon noticed that our girl was nowhere in the house and for a few (frantic) minutes, we thought she had slipped through the door and run away! I texted him anxiously, "Do you have our daughter?" He thought it would be funny to play a trick on me, so he replied, "No, I thought she was with you"

Never toy with the emotions of a mother who thinks her child is missing. The split-second after he texted me that, I was in tears, bawling because she was nowhere in the house to be found. A few seconds later, he texted "Just kidding" - like it was no big deal. Believe me, I played Hell with him when he got back.

Here's what I did yesterday: I was scheduled to go to work as usual. I got dressed, packed my lunch and kissed everyone good-bye. When I got there, I learned I had been given the day off so I headed back home. Before I drove back, I sent a text to my husband, telling him that there was a scheduling issue and I was on my way back.

Why did I do this? Because after I left home, he wouldn't be expecting a car to pull up in our driveway. He wouldn't be expecting someone to unlock the house door. I certainly didn't want to walk through the door with someone swinging a big stick at me! So I INFORMED him, well in advance, so he'd know what was going on. And that he wouldn't mistake me for an intruder and hit me with a stick!

But, my friends, that is what's called being considerate.

What's the point of building a nice house, if you can't live in it?

So my husband knows a lot of Yemenis. Many of them live in NYC. Most of these men either work in convenience stores, or drive taxis around town. Either way, they work very long hours and often work in the most dangerous neighborhoods. (My husband worked in a dangerous Bronx area for years. He was robbed at gunpoint TWICE!)

These Yemenis work 12 to 16 hour days, usually with NO days off. Yes, it's crazy, especially in this day and age in America. But it's the Yemeni way. If a Yemeni doesn't like it, there are a dozen waiting in line to take his job.

Typically, Yemenis who work in NYC live there on their own, sharing apartments with other workers. Their wives and kids usually remain in Yemen. Many people keep their families away from the US so that their kids stay true to the language, culture and faith. Many see the ways of the US as "sinful" or haram. A big problem is, the family is separated for long stretches at a time, often years and years. While my husband lives here in the US with me and our kids, he goes back to visit about every 5 years. This is par for the course. Often, Yemenis work and work, sending hard-earned cash back home (via Western Union) What little extra they have, gets saved until they have pooled enough money to pay for a round-trip ticket, as well as some spending cash. And too often, it's a neverending cycle: Work 4 years, visit wife and kids for a few months, fly back to the US and work another 4 or 5 years... rinse and repeat.

Another thing many Yemenis do with their money, is save up for a nice house in Sana'a. My husband swears real estate in Sana'a is a hot commodity. He loves to talk about so-and-so, who bought a house ten years ago, and now the value has ballooned to triple, quadruple the initial cost. My husband tends to exaggerate. A lot. I can't tell you how many times he wanted to withdraw my 401(k) retirement savings so we could build a nice house in Sana'a.

One of his cousins in NYC, I'll call him Saif, fits the role I described. He has nine kids, one grandchild and two wives. He works long hours to send money to his wife (wives) and kids in Yemen. He also recently finished building a lavish house in a nice part of Sana'a. My husband raves about how successful Saif was to build this house. Like it's some status symbol.

I am not impressed. Sure, it's a nice house. But honestly, since Saif will be spending most of his time in the US (because he has to earn money to support all those kids!) what is the point of having a big, fancy whoop-de-doo house? He's working 14-hour shifts. He's sending all his money to Yemen. He doesn't see his wife or kids. He lives in a tiny hole-in-the-wall apartment in a seedy NYC neighborhood. Tell me, what kind of life is that? I'd rather do it the American way: Live every day with your family. Spend as much time as possible with them. Money comes and goes but you can never get the time you could have spent with your family back. He could have taken all the money he invested on the Sana'a house and made a fine down payment on a modest home here.

Let's try this again. Re-introducing myself...

I would like to start blogging again. Not that I was really doing it that much before. I actually prefer tweeting Unfortunately, tweets are transient. Not everyone sees them, depending on the time they are posted. And many people, myself included, have short, nano-second attention spans. You might see a tweet you want to address, but your attention has already shifted to the next tweet, so nothing gets done about it. Anyway...

I want to (re)introduce myself, so that I can get my bearings again. I am an American woman, born and raised in the USA. I grew up in a semi-Catholic home. My parents were not very pious, although they wanted to be. I grew disenchanted with the Church. I learned about Islam when I was a teenager and decided it was exactly what I had been looking for. Of course, there are more details along the way, but that's the gist of it.

I met my husband-to-be around that time. He was born in Yemen, raised in the remotest of villages (near Rada) He spent his early teenage years in Britain, so by the time he met me, not only did he speak English, but he was very Westernized. We fell in love, like Westerners do, but we also shared a passion for the Islamic faith.

At this point, we've been married, very happily I should add, for twenty years now. We've had a great relationship. Not a day goes by without us telling each other how much we love or miss each other. There are days we're just like teenagers again, full of loving glances and terms of endearment.

Along the way, we've had 3 children. While my husband and I have been on the same page in just about every aspect of our lives, (our marriage, our finances, our living conditions, our faith, our political preferences...) we tend do differ on parenting issues. I attribute this, of course, to our very different upbringings. What's acceptable in my culture is frowned upon in his, and vice versa. This was a main reason I even started a Twitter account: I wanted to find other families like mine: A mix of an Arab and a Westerner. I've had the Twitter for maybe two years now (?) and I've only found maybe 2 or 3 people who fit this bill. I would call that pretty unsuccessful.

I'm rambling, sorry! This was supposed to be my (re)introduction. Maybe this is why I stopped blogging in the first place: My tendency to ramble and go off-tangent.

In my 20 years married to my Yemeni husband, I've learned a lot about Yemenis and Yemeni culture in general. Some things I like, some I don't and for others, I'm indifferent. I will hopefully, from time to time, address topics I've observed. I want to make this disclaimer: If I make a statement like "Why do so many Yemenis work in convenience stores or drive taxis?" I don't mean ALL Yemenis. Of course, there are many Yemeni teachers, doctors, photographers, singers... I do not mean to fit every Yemeni into a stereotype. What I mean is, "MOST Yemenis, that I (or my husband) know" So, in the above example, it's true, most of my husband's Yemeni relatives and friends do indeed either work in a convenience store or drive a taxi. If I go down his list of phone contacts, I'm pretty sure about 90% of these people will fit that description.

Similarly if I say "Yemeni kids don't get much education", again, this applies to MOST Yemenis that I know personally. It is not a jab at EVERY Yemeni. So, if you're a Yemeni author, baker, computer engineer, clothing designer, lab technician, I am NOT addressing you. Most likely, my husband and I don't associate with people like you (unfortunately for us) This is because, as I mentioned before, my husband is from the village and not many people aspire to become more than farmers, sadly.